Gold Gun for the Girl Gamer.

I’m still properly ill, and am sure I have a chest infection, which is not fun.
Instead of doing what I usually do on a Saturday (too much cleaning, too much ironing, too much general burning of calories) I decided today I’d be completely sedentary. It was hard, well, anyone with a cleaning obsession like mine will understand.
I haven’t cleaned one single thing, which for me, is pretty amazing. My body has let me know ever so loudly, that I need rest or I can’t breathe properly without coughing.

I decided I’d spend the whole day, as little one is at Nannie’s, playing Call of Duty and try and get a gold gun. Then I’d have to sit relatively still for the duration. My ACR 68 was on level 30, and well, you have to get to level 31 to get gold camo, which is notoriously difficult. It took all flipping day (minus food and eye rest breaks) using several different gun attachments and completing several achievements. When I play games, and get achievements, it’s like losing weight. That feeling you get, the whole “proud-of-self-even-though-other-people-are-looking-at-you-as-if-they-are-thinking-WTF” feeling. I have found using this gaming achievement obsession particularly helpful in recovery. Also, gaming, well, it’s relaxing. Which is weird considering what I am doing (boom head shot). It’s not relaxing whilst you are playing it, but it is afterwards, you get a relief from it. You can see why people use gaming when they are frustrated (all types of frustration, and being a girl, you can tell, I get suffocated by testosterone in the game lobby sometimes).

Also, it’s hilariously funny sometimes. I laugh down my headset a lot. I never used to play multiplayer, I was scared of it. Imagined all the horrid things people would say, and “People will think I’m really crap because I haven’t played it before, so I should never play it”. That was until my brother and I played “Black Ops” together one night and he looked after me, and showed me what to do, bless him. Now I prefer multiplayer to single player mode. I don’t think I’m a pro or anything, but lately I find myself always amongst the top three players of a match on Team Deathmatch or Domination. I used to be shocking when I first started. My deaths were double my kills, and it took a lot of getting used to.

Gaming cures my restlessness. When I feel hyper, it gives my adrenaline, “something to do” when I feel like I just have to “do something”. It stops me pacing and getting agitated which always leads to horrid racing morbid thoughts.

I managed to get my gold gun, and I was all proud. Not only had I achieved a gold gun, but today I’ve done nothing more than sit still and eat lots for the entire day. I’m panicking about it, and I feel really very guilty. I have trouble eating when I’m not doing anything without feeling horrible about it, I only seemed to get this fear this bad, when I reached a healthy weight. “You don’t deserve it and you don’t need to gain so much weight anymore”.  Therefore, I am totally proud of myself for feeling the fear, using it to get a gold gun, and to sit down all day and eat.